Fathers - Your Daughters Need You

“I developed a love-hate relationship towards my father.  I loved him because unlike my mother, he was more empathetic toward me during those times he was in his good moods.  “However, when his moods changed (usually when he and my mother were at loggerheads) he would begin to treat me as though I was my mother.   That is when my hatred would spark off toward him.  He had a way of degrading me by the things he said which resulting in my feeling less than a person.”  
These expressions are from the lips of Mildred (not her real name) who gave me permission to tell her story.  
 
Coming into the later part of her teenage life, Mildred said she desired a genuine father’s affection and her biological father did not ‘fit the bill’.
 
“Interestingly, in longing for a father’s love I ended up in several failed, disastrous relationships which turned out to be purely sexual in nature and my dreams of having a healthy future family relation were repetitively dashed to pieces.  I ended up hating the very looks and presence of men.”
 
Mildred went on to say that in addition to rejection, she nursed what she called the ‘fear disease’.  She spoke of fear as not only infectious, but it “caught hold of every part of my being and drained my energy emotionally and physically.  As ‘friends’ of fear; anger, mistrust, unforgiveness and shame entered my ‘bloodstream’ and chained themselves around my ‘heart’ and began to conquer me.”   ​

​​What lessons are there for you as fathers?

1.

Be aware that in-house fighting and quarrelling have the potential of seriously affecting your daughters. Although you and your partner may have issues of various kinds, remember your daughter’s emotions are very tender and can be scarred very easily by the weapon of violence within the home.   Their growing up to use the same dangerous weapon to inflict pain on their friends, partners and children are great possibilities.  Seek to find other means such as talking through issues to resolve your concerns with your partner.

2.

​Your daughter’s sound security and healthy positive esteem levels are dependent on what is mirrored by you as a father, especially during her formative years.  The love, care, compassion, and tenderness you exhibit toward your partner acts as a yardstick for your daughter as she grows up to foster her own relations.   One of the the best gifts you as a father can give to your daughter is to genuinely love her mother.

3.

Fathers, don’t be fooled that all is well in your daughter’s life if she may be doing excellently academically, sports-wise, or in the Arts when her home is in turmoil.  I have noticed over the years that one or more of the three areas I just identified seems to attract some children who may be emotionally scarred.  Some of them in trying to deal with their hurts may tend to bury such childhood pain and pursue very assertively, one or more of those above mentioned areas and may do exceptionally well.  The challenges come when your child reaches their young adult stage and begin to form close social relationships.  The effects of their concealed emotional discomforts often surface and undesirably infect their social interaction.  Their seeking professional help is a wiser step to take.

Fortunately for Mildred, she sought professional help and realized that she was blessed with inner strengths of which she was unaware. She planted herself in her school work, but such an action had only temporarily relieved her of the emotional cross-currents to which she was perennially exposed. She however did very well beyond graduate level.   Although from time to time she would get flashbacks of her weak relationship with her father, she attributed her coming out of her predicament largely to God’s help and clearly defined goals.  Today, Mildred is a successful business woman who continues to positively impact the lives of people worldwide. 
 
Fathers, please create a safe and secure home environment for your daughters. It is worth the effort.

Haynesley Griffith
Marriage and Family Life Consultant
griffitharticles@gmail.com