Avoid Damaging Your Children's Emotions
“Rejection had invited itself to be a permanent guest at my home and it never left my side. It took very special interest in my life long before I came into my teens. This monster of rejection never travelled alone. It brought along hurt and pain and like Siamese twins they chose to habitually punch away at my already battered emotions with all of their might, flooring me several times.” These expressions are from the lips of Mildred (not her real name) who gave me permission to tell her story.
Mildred said her home was like a war zone. Her parents were constantly quarrelling and fighting and often as a little child she would resort to her bedroom traumatized and wishing her parents’ ongoing contention would come to a full stop.
She spoke of her somewhat resembling her father in physical features. Having that trait, she said may have been the cause of her being the target of her mother’s verbal and physical abuse. “I gradually developed hatred toward my mother” Mildred said. “she never understood me and was constantly demanding things from me that I could not offer.”
“As it relates to my father, I developed a love, hate relationship. I loved him because, unlike my mother, he was more empathetic toward me during his good moods. My hatred sparked off towards him when he began degrading me by the things he said and made me feel less than a person.”
“Interestingly I longed for a fathers’ love and ended up in several failed, disastrous relationships which turned out to be purely sexual in nature. My dreams of having a healthy family relation were constantly dashed to pieces. I ended up hating the very looks and presence of men.”
Mildred then spoke of nursing what she called the ‘fear disease’. “Fear caught hold of every part of my being and drained my energy emotionally and physically. As ‘friends’ of fear the horrors of anger, mistrust, unforgiveness and shame entered my ‘bloodstream’ and chained themselves around my ‘heart’ and began to conquered me.”
Mildred’s life became so frustrated and her focus became so blurred that she confessed that if she continued down the road on which she was travelling, she would have never make it in life. She sought help only to discover that she was blessed with inner strengths of which she was unaware. With God’s help and clearly defined goals, Mildred excelled in her studies and business and now positively impacts lives of people all across the world.
What are some lessons for you as parents?
Mildred said her home was like a war zone. Her parents were constantly quarrelling and fighting and often as a little child she would resort to her bedroom traumatized and wishing her parents’ ongoing contention would come to a full stop.
She spoke of her somewhat resembling her father in physical features. Having that trait, she said may have been the cause of her being the target of her mother’s verbal and physical abuse. “I gradually developed hatred toward my mother” Mildred said. “she never understood me and was constantly demanding things from me that I could not offer.”
“As it relates to my father, I developed a love, hate relationship. I loved him because, unlike my mother, he was more empathetic toward me during his good moods. My hatred sparked off towards him when he began degrading me by the things he said and made me feel less than a person.”
“Interestingly I longed for a fathers’ love and ended up in several failed, disastrous relationships which turned out to be purely sexual in nature. My dreams of having a healthy family relation were constantly dashed to pieces. I ended up hating the very looks and presence of men.”
Mildred then spoke of nursing what she called the ‘fear disease’. “Fear caught hold of every part of my being and drained my energy emotionally and physically. As ‘friends’ of fear the horrors of anger, mistrust, unforgiveness and shame entered my ‘bloodstream’ and chained themselves around my ‘heart’ and began to conquered me.”
Mildred’s life became so frustrated and her focus became so blurred that she confessed that if she continued down the road on which she was travelling, she would have never make it in life. She sought help only to discover that she was blessed with inner strengths of which she was unaware. With God’s help and clearly defined goals, Mildred excelled in her studies and business and now positively impacts lives of people all across the world.
What are some lessons for you as parents?
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Be aware that fighting and quarrelling have the potential of seriously affecting your children. Although you and your partner may have issues of various kinds, remember your child’s emotions are very tender and he/she can be scared very easily by the weapon of violence within the home. Growing up to use the same dangerous weapon to inflict pain on their friends, partners and children are great possibilities. Seek to find other means such as talking through issues to resolve your concerns.
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Children’s security and positive esteem levels are dependent on what is mirrored by you as parents, especially during their foundation years. The love, care, compassion, and tenderness you exhibit toward your partner act as yardsticks for them as they grow up to foster their own relations. The best gift you can give your children is to love each other.
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Some children have the tendency to bury their emotional pain and pursue the academics, sports, or the arts very assertively and may do exceptionally well. The challenges come when your children reach their young adult stage and begin to form serious social relationships. The concealed childhood emotional ‘trapdoor’ often opens to the children’s discomfort. If those emotional situations are not professionally dealt with, they may affect your children’s future social relationships.
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Parents, create a safe and secure home environment for your children. It is a worthwhile investment.
Haynesley Griffith
Marriage and Family Life Consultant
griffitharticles@gmail.com
Haynesley Griffith
Marriage and Family Life Consultant
griffitharticles@gmail.com