Children Dented by Divorce
Years ago, a very good friend told me of a man who left his country, fought on the front line in the Vietnam War and survived, but on his return home was fatally shot by a stray bullet. The story of this innocent bystander forced me to think of some children who survived the turbulence within their mother’s womb but are then seriously wounded by the deadly crossfire of their own parents’ abusive behavior prior to, during and after divorce. The short and long term potential impact on practically every sector of society, according to psychologist Patrick Fagan of Family Research Council Washington DC, could be very challenging. In his report to the World Congress of Families Nov. 1999, Fagan said:
“In religious life, divorce diminishes the frequency of worship of God, and recourse to Him in prayer. In education, divorce diminishes learning capacities and high school and college attainment. In the marketplace, divorce reduces household income and massively cuts the life-wealth of individuals. In government and citizenship, divorce massively increases crime rates, abuse and neglect rates, and the use of drugs. Also, divorce weakens the health of children; even their life spans will be shortened.
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In view of such revelation I shall therefore take a sample look at what may occur in the lives of some children as they are struck on every side by the crippling side effects of divorce.
Emotional/Psychological effects:
The trauma leading up to and after the divorce of parents can trigger some emotional issues for children. I know of children who exhibited levels of stress that is often played out in aggressive behavior (displaced anger), fear, hatred, anxiety, depression, and insecurity, just to name a few. Bed wetting, stomach issues, loss of appetite, headaches, intrusive thoughts and bad dreams, all of which may come after the divorce itself would fall into the category of Post-Traumatic Stress (PTS). Helping children work through such traumatic encounters often requires skillful therapy.
Social effects:
A group of college students once told me that they would never marry. They cited the divorce experience of their parents and what they encountered during the divorce as the major reason. It was obvious that the gradual loss of love between parents created a fertile soil for divorce and this may have had a great effect on these students' future family outlook.
The social disconnect may also contribute to the weak social skills some children exhibit. Others may become too sociable as they seek to quench their thirst for genuine love and affection, but sometimes falling prey to opportunistic human vultures who delight in taking advantage of their vulnerability. Another of the many social downfalls is the child “divorcing” their parents by developing poor relationships with one or both of them. A girl of a divorced mother told me that she hated her mother and preferred to live with her father because she believed her mother was responsible for breaking up the family.
Economic effects:
If both parents were contributing to the financial upkeep of the family unit prior to the split-up, the custodial partner may now have to bear the harsh financial burden. I have met children of custodial fathers and more so mothers who spoke of the hardships they have had to undergo since their parents broke-up. For some children, seeing their now single parent struggling to make ends meet in order for them to enjoy a decent future, adds to their inner stress. Sometimes the educational well-being, physical health and social activities of these innocent children may suffer because of a lack of financial means to meet the demands of these critical areas of the youngsters’ lives.
Although I do not believe that divorce should be a first response to conflict within the home, I strongly recommend that in some situations, especially in instances of protracted parental abuse, getting children out of that environment is wise. Subsequent to the divorce however, every means, including counselling, must be offered to the children and parents in order to minimize the probable emotional distress. As parents, devote yourselves to lovingly and firmly fortifying your families so that your children may be sheltered from the deadly jaws of divorce.
Emotional/Psychological effects:
The trauma leading up to and after the divorce of parents can trigger some emotional issues for children. I know of children who exhibited levels of stress that is often played out in aggressive behavior (displaced anger), fear, hatred, anxiety, depression, and insecurity, just to name a few. Bed wetting, stomach issues, loss of appetite, headaches, intrusive thoughts and bad dreams, all of which may come after the divorce itself would fall into the category of Post-Traumatic Stress (PTS). Helping children work through such traumatic encounters often requires skillful therapy.
Social effects:
A group of college students once told me that they would never marry. They cited the divorce experience of their parents and what they encountered during the divorce as the major reason. It was obvious that the gradual loss of love between parents created a fertile soil for divorce and this may have had a great effect on these students' future family outlook.
The social disconnect may also contribute to the weak social skills some children exhibit. Others may become too sociable as they seek to quench their thirst for genuine love and affection, but sometimes falling prey to opportunistic human vultures who delight in taking advantage of their vulnerability. Another of the many social downfalls is the child “divorcing” their parents by developing poor relationships with one or both of them. A girl of a divorced mother told me that she hated her mother and preferred to live with her father because she believed her mother was responsible for breaking up the family.
Economic effects:
If both parents were contributing to the financial upkeep of the family unit prior to the split-up, the custodial partner may now have to bear the harsh financial burden. I have met children of custodial fathers and more so mothers who spoke of the hardships they have had to undergo since their parents broke-up. For some children, seeing their now single parent struggling to make ends meet in order for them to enjoy a decent future, adds to their inner stress. Sometimes the educational well-being, physical health and social activities of these innocent children may suffer because of a lack of financial means to meet the demands of these critical areas of the youngsters’ lives.
Although I do not believe that divorce should be a first response to conflict within the home, I strongly recommend that in some situations, especially in instances of protracted parental abuse, getting children out of that environment is wise. Subsequent to the divorce however, every means, including counselling, must be offered to the children and parents in order to minimize the probable emotional distress. As parents, devote yourselves to lovingly and firmly fortifying your families so that your children may be sheltered from the deadly jaws of divorce.